Getting over the end of undergrad

It's hard. If you're looking for tips on how to smoothly transition into adult life, I'm not your girl. At least not yet. My emotions on this subject are all over the place, so expect my writing to be too. But it's something I think about daily, so maybe it'll help to get it out into the world.

The problem isn't that I miss college. Making money without working two part-time jobs on top of classes is a way better situation. I think maybe I'm disappointed because I was so excited to be done with school, and none of post-college life has been what I expected.

Everyone knows that the job search after graduation is hard, I won't pretend like I'm the first person telling you that. But I really didn't know what to expect emotionally, so maybe I can better prepare you. I could make a whole post about what I learned during this time, but that's not what this is about. I'm an emotional wreck of a person, so it didn't surprise me that this process took such a toll on me. But I feel like even the thickest of skin is going to be hurt a few times in this situation. It's a lot of anxiety about the future. It's a lot of doubt about your abilities. It's a lot of regret about your major. It's a lot of confusion about your self worth.

I spent every day worrying about the next one. There was no way to reassure myself, because all of the rejections in my inbox proved that the worst could happen. What I struggled with most was thinking my skills weren't good enough, and that college was a waste of time. I applied for over a hundred jobs, all over the country. But that ratio of chances didn't help me feel better compared to the ratio of applicants against me. I spent hours looking at other recent grad's design portfolios, mad at myself for not doing better. I hated myself for not growing more in the last four years, and that made it hard to keep my confidence in an interview.

Surprisingly, actually getting a job offer really messed me up emotionally. I was beyond excited at first. It was in Chicago, where I dreamed of living. It was in editorial design, which is what most of my experience was in (thank you, IDS). But something didn't feel right. I enjoyed page design, and I felt really freaking good at it too. As much as I thought I could thrive in that industry, I also felt like I'd be limiting myself. I wanted to try new things, build confidence in other areas. I struggled with my decision for the entire week I had to give a response. I felt so selfish. I felt like I had no right to decline a job offer when other graduates are doing everything they can to get one. Including myself. I had been looking forever, and what if I declined this and was jobless for six more months? Obviously you can guess, I declined the offer. Sometimes you have to go with your gut.

Luckily, two weeks later I was offered a job that I happily accepted. I dealt with the normal nerves of starting a new position, and feeling like a little kid surrounded by grown ups. I struggled in the beginning due to a lack of structure, something that school always provided me. Some days I'd go to work clueless on what to do. I felt like I was in someone else's life. At the time, I didn't have a place of my own. I was either crashing with my boyfriend, who was also in a weird transition of moving from house, to sublease, to a new apartment during the time. Or, sleeping on an air mattress in my nephews bedroom, with a solar system mobile above my head. My cat hated me during that two months of chaos. I'm beyond thankful that I had such an amazing support system to lean on. But at the same time, I was living out of a suitcase, trying to figure out my routine in this new stage of life. Honestly, I'm still trying to get it together.

Now, I'm mostly happy. And when I'm not, I feel guilty about it. Sometimes I feel hardcore imposter syndrome, like none of this is real and I don't deserve to be where I'm at. I really struggle sometimes. I'm learning how to balance this new life. I'm managing my time differently. I'm waking up earlier. I'm exercising more. I'm cooking new things. It seems like everything in this stage of life is just different, and I'm adjusting to the struggles and emotions that come with that change. I think I'm just happy to have the chance to experience them.